Carve your heart out yourself
by Jessica12
Summary: You, that once was feared by so many for your ruthlessness and hunger, were in love witha woman whose sole purpose in life were to kill you and your kind. Spike's POV on his relationship with Buffy and losing her.


Title: Carve your heart out yourself (1/1)  
Author: Jessica  
Email: jrothenyahoo.se  
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where  
Spoilers: The Gift  
Rating: PG  
Feedback: YES please...jrothenyahoo.se  
Pairing: Buffy/Spike, Spike POV  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.  
Summary: Spike's POV on losing Buffy. She was inside of you now, reaching into every part that you had thought had died a long time ago.  
AUTHORS NOTE: Title comes from a song by Dashboard Confessional.  
This is my first ever Buffy fic so please be gentle.  
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar mistakes may occur.

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She graced your dreams for weeks after it happened.  
You tried to reach her there and stop her but you were always too late.  
She slipped through your fingers and disappeared in a haze of light.  
You woke with her name on your lips.  
It was a weakness, you knew that all too well.  
There were times when you considered ripping out that part of you that wanted her so badly and put yourself out of your misery.  
But reason always won that battle.  
She was inside of you now, reaching into every part that you had thought had died a long time ago.  
You, that once was feared by so many for your ruthlessness and hunger, were in love with a woman whose sole purpose in life were to kill you and your kind.  
The irony of that made you sometimes laugh.  
After all you knew your place in the world and that didn't include being in love.

You had become a ghost of what you once was.  
You lived in limbo, stuck in between dead and alive.  
You were no longer bad nor good.  
But she had made you feel whole again, like you actually meant something.  
She had taken the scattered pieces of your heart and glued them back together.  
She didn't know this of course.

You didn't know when you fell in love with her but it happened slowly.  
It crept into every part of you like a disease that was infecting your body.  
You fought it with every breath you had.  
You struggled so hard to remove every piece of her that threatened your sanity that you sometimes lost track on anything else.  
It wasn't natural, you knew that.  
You were a creature of the night.  
You belonged in the dark, in the abyss between night and day.  
She was nothing like you.  
She hated you even.  
If you had the strength you would laugh at your situation.

There was a time when you were sworn enemies.  
You followed your instinct then.  
You were a killer.  
You knew your place in the order of things.  
Now you were nothing.  
Like the fool you once was you tried to prove yourself to her.  
You thought you could remove hundred years of cruelty, torture and death by proving that you had some glimpse of light left in you.  
But the only thing it was was a lie that you liked to tell yourself.  
She knew it too.  
You could see it in her eyes when she looked at you.  
You didn't matter in her world and nothing could ever change that.  
It was silly to believe that a few acts could erase all the things you had done.  
But you were so determined to at least try.  
It gave you a sense of purpose, a goal in sight.  
Eventually you settled into just being a part of her life.  
To be there when she needed you.  
It didn't matter really that you couldn't have her.  
You spend your time on the side lines of her life.  
You felt content there, watching, waiting.  
At least you were somebody.

You failed her one dark night two weeks ago.  
You were supposed to save her and her sister.  
You were supposed to prove to her than and there that you mattered.  
You were supposed to save the world.  
But like the fool you were you failed.  
She was the one that saved the world, that saved everyone.  
You lost her on that day.  
She took the leap into a haze of light and left this world.

They buried her one cold afternoon three days later.  
You stood in the shadows of a big oak tree with your coat wrapped around you, watching as the once she lived and died for said goodbye to her.  
You had thought about buying her flowers. But you had no idea what kind she liked and she would have kicked your butt if she ever had found out.  
It didn't really matter now anyway.  
You came out at night, as darkness wrapped the cemetery in shadows.  
You stood there in front of her tombstone and for the first time in your life you had no idea what to say.  
No witty remarks.  
You, that had been a master of words, had no idea what to say to her.  
There was nothing left now to do.  
You had failed.  
It felt like the part of you, that glimpse of light, that still was human was slowly slipping away from you.  
She had kept you grounded, kept you sane.  
You owed her everything.  
She owed you nothing.  
You had no idea why you had come.  
It wasn't like it would change anything.  
You couldn't bring her back to you.  
You couldn't erase what had happened.

The wind came in from the west and brought with it the promise of rain.  
You didn't know how to let her go.  
You had walked beside her for so long now that losing her made you feel lost.  
If Drusilla could see you know.  
You were reduced to nothing.  
It felt like your world titled on its axis and you didn't know how to make it right again.  
A part of you was laughing at yourself.  
This weak, pathetic animal you had become.  
Somehow you were right back where you started all those centuries ago.  
A nobody.  
A weak, pitiable man that was nothing but a laughing-stock for the world to see.  
You had given yourself, the small pieces of yourself that still was human, to a woman who didn't want you.  
And you had lost everything in that process.

You stood there in front of her grave as the rain smashed into your like millions of tiny bullets.  
You didn't feel anything anymore.  
You were never suppose to feel anything in the first place.  
Maybe if you had been stronger than nothing of this would have happened.  
But you had always been weak.  
Your mother had been right all those years ago.  
Now her voice was ringing in your ears.  
It felt like it was slowly ripping you apart.  
How could you fall so far that you lost track of your purpose in life?  
You didn't belong in the light.  
You knew that.  
You didn't belong in her life but still you had closed your eyes for the obvious and let yourself believe that you could change things.  
You had been such a fool.  
She had blinded you.  
The truth was that she had defeated you.  
You, that had the blood of several slayers on your hands, had been taken down by a young girl.  
People might say that you had won in the end after all.  
She was gone now and you were still standing.  
But you didn't feel like a winner.  
You had buried a piece of yourself today.  
You knew that and it scared you.  
But as you stood there you told yourself that you would forget her.  
Eventually her face would fade from your memory and replace by another.  
Time was your friend after all.  
You had forever.  
She would be nothing by a name on a tombstone.  
You wouldn't remember the sound of her voice.  
You wouldn't remember the feel of her skin beneath your hand.  
You wouldn't remember the sound of her laugh.  
You managed to smile as you stood there.  
She was gone now.  
You had won.  
You wouldn't miss her.  
"Goodbye, Buffy"  
You turned around and started to walk away.  
In your head a little voice whispered that you had always been such a good liar.  
But you refused to listen.

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